Ep 25. Paparazzi and Philosophy

Today's post is going to be a bit different than normal, because I need to use it to work through some things. Also, aside from a few odd stories, I intentionally didn't do much this week. However, I have finally posted my New Years photos. If you would just like to see them, please scroll past the wording. Else, here are my fun stories, followed by the more important part of the post.

1) This week, for one of my teenage classes, we are talking about family. When I told them that last week, one of them had a look on his face reminiscent of outright horror and confusion. This is the same child who could think of nothing nice to say about his mother, and looked at me like I was an idiot for suggesting that she could be remotely intelligent. I don't know his home life, but I do know his mother, and all that I can say is that he is definitely a teenager. Sadly, I will not be there for the day when his mother's IQ shoots up 90 points.

2) I was making photocopies of something. Low and behold, after making my photocopies, everything looked so big, and the part of the page that I wanted wasn't on the screen. Somehow, I had pressed not only the enlarge button, but also set an enlarging size while setting up my pages on the copy machine. My Head Teacher had to sit down because she was laughing so hard. I still don't know how I did that.


This weekend, I decided to do nothing. And I succeeded, quite admirably. However, on top of that nothing came some thoughts. Namely, what do I want? For, no matter what I do, it never quite seems to be enough for me...at least here. No matter what, whenever I seem happy outside of work, and everything is going well, I seem to come crashing down. Partly, that is the nature of such joy; it is hard to sustain such euphoria for long. Partly as well, it can be because of association, wherein apathy and a choice of unhappiness prove to be far more intoxicating than any drug and far more infectious than any virus. But it is useless to blame such external factors, for a solid mind can find peace in any situation. And my mind is not at peace. Oh, I am not as sad as I once was here, and I am keeping myself in the present. However, there are still plagues to my senses and a war to my faculties that I cannot deny.
In Buddhism, we learn to separate ourselves from the physical pains around us. Perhaps the greatest tool for doing so is to stay within the present moment. For in the present, neither the past nor the future exist, and as such all past and future pains cannot harm us. It is impossible to fear the pains of the past, for they are already gone, and it is unwise to fear the pains of the future, because they are only a possibility. Which leaves the present. Only in the present may you be harmed, but it can never be a deep harm; for just as we can never be alone if there is no together to compare it to, so we can never truly be harmed unless there is a wellness to compare it to. This, of course, is a rather slippery slope of degrees, but without those degrees, it is hard to know just how bad a harm really is. But the pain is only momentary, and in an instant the pain will be in the past. True, the future may hold more pain, or it may not. Regardless, only in finding the way to deny ourselves the fear of the future and the pain of the past can we ever really be free.
So, why bring in this mini-Buddha lesson? Because, at the moment, I am in some pain, but it is a pain that has finally taken form and voice. It is a pain driven by a fear that shakes the very foundation of what I have always held true. For my entire life, up until this point, I have always lived within Oregon. True, I have visited other places, but never for very long. And always, without fail, the happiest part for me has been returning to Oregon. But, coming to Japan, I am experiencing something new. For once in my life, I am surrounded by people who truly enjoy living in this place for a substantial period of time. And not just natives, but expats as well. It has even affected me, for there have been several times in these past (almost five) months that I have been genuinely happy here and have considered staying here longer than anticipated--which, considering that I was planning on staying here until I felt like returning, gives an idea about how much my inner psyche lets my conscious brain know what is going on. And that terrifies me. For all of my life, I have been an Oregonian, and proud and happy of that fact. No place has ever felt as right, nor as comfortable, as Oregon. As such, as part of my identity I have crafted into myself the belief that only in Oregon can I ever be truly happy. Now, I don't know if that's true.
At the moment, I guess that I am like a giant game of Jenga. One of my bottom pieces has been removed and, though I still stand on two feet, I am starting to wobble. However, unlike Jenga, I can move my pieces on my own. I can also add and subtract pieces as I want, but I have to have the courage and confidence that I am doing the right thing in the moment, even though it may send me crashing down. For I can always rebuild. Having said that, as the wind changes direction from moment to moment, so I must also be willing to accept that a choice I made was not the right one. I must be able to accept that fact, and change directions.
Sometimes, however, we must accept the fact that the decision that we have made is right despite what all external factors are telling us. In these situations, we have several options. We can either stand firm, weather the storm, and gently tap away at the opposition until the moment comes for the final, powerful smash. Or, we may need more flexibility, and instead bend with the opposition without breaking to either better redirect it or to let it wash around us. Another option is to go on the offensive, and let our drives and emotions fuel us to persevere into what we know is right.
So, then, what option should I take to combat this fear? The first is to accept that it is not something stupid to be afraid of. Yes, it might be unusual and it's not something that I thought I would ever face, but that does not lower its validity. At heart, it is a change to a part of me that I considered immutable, an image of what I had built myself to be; but I have faced such changes before, though they are never easy. Once I have accepted that I am afraid, and that I have a right to this fear, my next course is to accept that the fear might be true. Yes, Oregon might not be the only place where I can find happiness, and that is OK. There is nothing wrong
//**
Sorry, but I do have to break in here. My patriotism for my home state is so strong that my brain has been playing that amazing, Cover Oregon music since I started writing these past few sentences. I didn't realize it until now, but it keeps getting louder and louder. Well, back to writing.
//**
There is nothing wrong with having more than one place where I can be content. I thought that I would only ever be happy learning at OES, but I grew to love Willamette. The transition was an absolute switch, and I considered transferring, but I stuck it out through sheer stubbornness, and made a place where I could be truly happy. What I'm going through now is similar, but on a larger scale. At the same time, there is still a large enough difference to make it a challenge. I just have to accept that it will be a challenge, and that at the end of the day I will always have a special place in my heart for Oregon. It's just like Andy with his Woody and Buzz dolls. Yes, Buzz came along and was a great toy and seemed to have top billing, but at the end of the day nothing could replace Woody. I guess that I need to learn to be comfortable with other places being livable, and accept that it is not just Oregon that can have happy things in them. Likewise, I need to be able to be comfortable as more than an Oregonian, and be happy with the fact that I am more than just a geological location.
To be honest, writing this has been rather therapeutic, and I hope that it can help someone out there who is also struggling. Having some place turn out differently than you expected is not a bad thing, but it can be a hard thing. We build up expectations of how things will be both externally and internally, and when things don't turn out that way, we often reject them and refuse to talk about them. But talking helps, and being open helps, and that is all that I can say. Now, onto pictures.

Jingle jingle for Mogs.

My father and I in my teeny apartment.

A nice sight of Mt Fuji.

The view from my hotel room.

My step-mother, myself, and my father.

The gate to the Meji Shrine.

That path to the Meji shrine.

Yes, that does say what you think it says...in a posh neighborhood.

Lunch at Max Brenner...yum.

An old man...

and his taxi...

which he gets into while I wait for...

Shibuya crossing, which has...

So many people...

And no cars.

At the imperial palace...another nice picture.

My parents trying to retake a picture of mine...

My attempt, which doesn't hold up to the original.

Some nice lighting.

Too much sun...darn the sunset...

Interesting lighting...

Better lighting. A nice picture.

An interesting picture at night, taken when I wasn't looking.

A ray, at the aquarium.

A manta ray.

A shark.

A gigantic crab torturing a poor shark.

Chocolate-orange tea.

Another view from my window.

Avocado juice...surprisingly good.

Ah, Kamakura...how pretty.

Mt. Fuji from Kamakura.

Indeed I did.

I don't know what this sign is for...

Or this one either.

We had 4 minutes to get from platform 1 to 2...we made it.

My first Mc Donalds in four years.

One short day at the sea of the Disney...

Here comes the train.

Pretty...

And covered in Mickey Mouse...with Disney music.

Tokyo Disneyland's Castle. Cinderella I think.

A colored view from the parking lot.

Here we are at Disney Sea.

Indiana Jones, rising above the trees.

Dr. Jones's plane.

A pretty sight from future land...or whatever it's called.

Yum yum lunch.

King Trident in his castle.

Somewhere in Aladdin land...

Because...Tokyo Disney!

Goofy...

Donald...

Chip and Dale...

Pluto...

Either Mickey or Minnie. I can't tell which.

Please see above.

 As an added note, this is one of the floats from the Happiness Greeting on the Sea when we got there.

The three of us at together at Disney Sea.

Because we were too impatient for a bigger photo.

The line to get a picture here was really long.

The main plaza at the opening gate.

A close up of the globe.

Yes, that is a 220 minute wait. And people were still getting into that line.

Trident's castle: outside.

Trident's castle: inside

I'm in the back left corner.

Where to get fast passes for Journey to the Center of the Earth.

Disney Sea at night.

Myself and a good friend.

My father in front of the Disneyland fireworks.

The bus with my family on it, to take them to the airport.

One final look at my hotel...

I am back in Konosu, and I see Mt. Fuji.

The scarf, and a pissy looking kitty.

The lights of Miyahara.

More lights.

And more lights.

First course: Vegetables.

Second course: Salad.

Yummy salad.

Delicious course, minus one bite.

The main course...or deliciousness.

Desert

Supposedly a rabbit, but I just see Loki.

The flippingly heavy packages.

My bookcase/ pantry is finished.

This has been another adventure in the austentatious. If you liked me, tell your friends; if you hated me, tell your enemies; if you don't care either way, then tell everyone. And now, good night.