And so our hero comes to crossroads; to the one direction, he can continue as he has been these many weeks. To the other, genuine change and maturation. Which will he choose? Only time will tell.
I remember being down in college, but it was easier to deal with because a) home was only an hour away, and b) I was surrounded by a constant sea of activity. As such, my experience of growth was at the same time less severe and more prolonged. So, why call this episode hearts and minds? Because, in Vietnam, that was the tactic that the US tried to implement and, while it failed miserably, the US still learned a lot...that it promptly forgot. Fast forward a few decades, and said country learns the same lessons again in a new war. So, here I sit, learning lessons again, but in a new context, and trying to figure out what all of it means. Nominally, I have two options for personal growth--do it or don't--but I do not see why I must take one of two roads, why I cannot instead make new territory between the existing structures. After all, no path is perfect, and perhaps by taking the middle way, I may find a way to balance the two and mitigate the imperfections inherent in either model.
So, let me introduce myself. My name is Austin Schock, but I always go by Austin...just Austin. I'm on the shorter side of normal in America--where I once called home--and on the more middling side in Japan, my once-supposed respite from reality. I am a nerd and actor extraordinaire, and am rather comfortable with who and what I am, although I'm a bit less sure about what that means. Being so young, at age 22, I still have a lot to learn, and don't quite expect to really understand what's going on until long after I should have shuffled off my mortal coil. In other words, I'm as human as any of us can really be and, given how many twists and turns that it took history to find its way to a world where we could all actually exist, we all have just that little bit of fantastic in us. However, no one is ever really better or worse than anyone else; we all just sort of live, and each of us have a small light of something amazing inside.
So, what was my problem? Well, for one, I was being a selfish little twit. There is always more going on, and I wasn't listening to my body because I didn't like what it was saying. Basically, I've been ecstatic since February because I was going to get to come to Japan to teach English. But here's the problem--it never quite occurred to me to really think about what it would mean to teach English to students. I had somehow failed to recognize the true give and take nature of this job, and the level of trust that bonds the two groups together. Even once I got here, as the bond was forming, I refused to see it for what it was, and in the end that selfish immaturity drove me to make a mistake that should have left me small and pitiful. Instead, I will only say that my company employs some very wise and patient people and, while I might still have a lot of growing up still to do, they have given me the tools to better both my skill and my humility, and I will be forever in their debt.
For another, I was being a selfish little twit. My one desire was to form strong connections with those around me, but I wasn't letting myself do so. That was very disrespectful to everyone that I have met over here, and is inexcusable in general. Other people are not here to grant my every whim and request; they are their own agents, with their own wishes, hopes, and dreams. As Kant would say, we must treat them not as a means unto an end but rather as a means unto themselves. I came over here with the intent of simply using my position this year to further another goal, and that was definitely not a good mentality to have going in. As I soon realized, all of my actions would have consequences, and I will have to live with that fact. However, I should also work to minimize the negative consequences to those around me. Regardless, I should never have thought in such simple terms about real people, no matter how distant they are from me. There are billions of people in this world, and though I may never meet each and every one, they are all still as equally as important, and equally as valid in their humanity. The least I can do is actually have that fact matter for those that I interact with, though as a global citizen I should always be doing more.
So, I now have a choice to make: will I stay with the company for a short term and leave before my contract, will I stay with my company until this contract is up, or will I stay with the company long into the future? All that I can say for the moment is that this blog is not the medium to discuss such thing, although paramount in my thoughts are my students and co-workers, and the bonds of trust that have formed between us all. Some people will soon be informed of my decision, which will not be made public. I will return home--no matter how long I am here, no matter how many times I intentionally change the word, I still associate my dear old Oregon with home--when I return home. To think about such matters too much now will only depress me, and do a disservice to my students. My return will be when the time is right, and neither sooner nor later.
One final story. When I was in my Junior year of Upper School, I went on a trip to Costa Rica. One day, our chief guide admonished us for not helping more. They were doing so much for us, and we didn't seem to be grateful or even notice. Afterwards--we were on a beach--most of the students went off to play and to do beachy things. I, however, stayed behind and thanked him for admonishing us. He looked at me, with a knowing smile on his face, and said, "you're too smart for your own good."
He was right, and what I think he really meant was that I would have to learn a lot as I got older, and that it would be really difficult and that I would get in a lot of trouble. Perhaps one of my worst habits, actually, is my curiosity about people. Now, people watching is fine, but there is a huge difference between that and adamantly refusing to take an easy opportunity to fess up. I am reminded of Dumbledore, who knew everything--of course he knew everything--and would always give others the opportunity to grow by fessing up and telling him themselves. If the person mentioned it, of course, it was a sign that they were growing up. I'm sorry to say that I'm not quite that mature yet, as I would still rather stick it out and see if someone will simply spill the beans. However, afterwards I will usually look for the first opportunity to spill them myself. So, I do apologize to everyone whom I have done that to, and I do mention that I am working on not doing it and do realize just how disrespectful it is. In the end, everything is give and take and while I do realize that patience can only go so far before it is used up, and I am very grateful for just how patient everyone has been with me when all that I really deserved was a good slap in the face and two weeks notice.
Anyway, in other news I got a hair cut...for 10 US dollars. It might not be quite what I'm used to, but they did a really good job and over all I am satisfied with it. I've been trying some new foods and recipes--avacado-cheese Doritos = delicious; chocolate mousse = workable...I hope--and trying to just get more out of life. It is what it is, and only by swooping low can the bird fly higher. Speaking of flying things, if you ever happen to be in Ueno, I would highly recommend the National Museum of Science and Nature that I mentioned last week. Not only is it a fantastic bargain, but it also has one of the most comically stuffed flying squiggles [sic] that I have ever seen. And with that, this has been another adventure in the austentatious. If you liked me, tell your friends; if you hated me, tell your enemies; and if you didn't care either way, then tell everyone. Good night.
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