Xenologue 5.1 The Joy of Cooking Illiterally

This section will be separated into three parts. The first will be all of my attempts, either failed or otherwise at Japanese cooking. The second will be all of the Japanese recipes that have been successful, and the third will be all of my other recipes that I am making while I am here.

1) Courageous attempts
Darn that curry. The rice maker worked perfectly, the tofu was ready, and then...but I'm getting ahead of myself. First, boil water, and add in vegetables. Then add in a block of curry, which will start dissolving.

 Once it has dissolved completely, take it off of the heat, but keep it covered. If you wish to add some, now is the time to add in the tofu. Next, take a bowl, and fill the bottom with rice.

 Then, pour curry on top of it.

 Crap, that curry is a bit more watery than it should be. Maybe I had too much water? Maybe if I put something else on it...

Hmmm...adding tofu doesn't make it look right. It was edible, that's for sure, but I wouldn't want to ever have it again. I'm thinking that I might have had either too much water, or not enough curry. Either way, the stuff should be darker than this, and far less runny. Overall, a disappointment...and it had smelled so nice too...and wouldn't you know it, when I was cleaning the dishes, it turned out that not all of the curry had dissolved. No, there was a good sized chunk of pure curry at the bottom of the pan. Still, I have more, so attempts will be made!
note: Success!..I think...
#2: Fail...utter fail...my no feels good...ugh...!
#3: Success? Maybe? I'm giving it a few hours before I make a call.

2) Japanese successes
Okonomiyaki:
 Add a half cup of water for every cup of okonomiyaki powder, then stir them together in a bowl. Then, add one egg for each cup of powder, as well as any fillings that you wish it to have--usually, vegetables and meet. Now, coat the bottom of a pan with oil, and set it on heat. Then, as the oil starts to bubble, pour about a cups worth of okonomiyaki into the pan. When it has fried enough that the sides have the consistence of bread, flip them. If done right, they should cook well and look like this:

Then, you cover it in the sauce,and enjoy.
Later addition: If you add vegetables, it ends up looking like this:

And then with sauce...

Om nom nom (one of my greatest feats in college: getting Om Nom Nom into an in class essay. A rough paraphrase of the quote: "The Christian god is omnipotent, omniscient, omnieverything, Omni Omni Omni).

Japanese Curry:
No success yet, but gosh darn it I will get everything right eventually.
Success...but no pictures. I think that this curry is supposed to be more liquidy than the one that I had before. The issue last time was too much water; at least it was edible this time.

3) Depression Era Cooking
The Austin Special:
This is for everyone who had breakfast with me in college. This is really simple: scramble one egg, and make one piece of french toast. Bada bing, bada boom, you're done.

A Schocking Breakfast:
First, scramble two eggs. Then, place them on a piece of bread.

Finally, drizzle yogurt on top.

Now, if you are feeling up to it in your budget, you can purchase some fruit and have that as well.

Tada, a Schocking Breakfast. And, as an added tip, the lids of Tupperware work wonders for that other side of the grapefruit:

A Schocking dinner:
A variation on the Schocking Breakfast. First, take beans that are recognizeable because they are in English (always a plus, that).

 Then, heat them over the stove. Finally, drizzle them over a piece of bread,

and throw in some kind of citrus fruit. Congratulations, you have made a Schocking Dinner. It's filling, it's cheap, I think that it's healthy, and it's easier on your teeth.

4) Juice Cubed
Tired of always running out of juice? Do you wish you had more when it's almost gone? Well is there a solution for you. First, pour juice into a third of a cup.

 Then, just add water.

Voila! Your juice will now last three times as long.

And, as an added tip, when your juice gets down to a third of the container, just fill it back up, full as new!

5) The Diet Doughnut
Want a doughnut without all the hassle of killing yourself faster? Have I got the delectable for you. First, take your standard avocado, and saw that sucker in half lengthwise. Now, split the sides to leave yourself with...that's right, two halves of an avocado! Ent life amazing that way. Now, remove the pit from the side that still has it. You now have to delicious pieces of greenery with ready made holes already cut. However, if you would like to you may enlarge the holes with the help of a spoon. Now, peel the skin off, and fill the hole, leaving you with...

Dum, duh duh DDDAAAAAHHHH! The world's healthiest doughnut. Now, if you fill it with something gooey, like yogurt, then your doughnut might not last very long. However, filling it with something stronger, like cream cheese, will allow you to neatly put your creation back together, leading to screams of fear whenever you start munching on your Frankenstein-esque creation.



6) Tha-nihon-sgiving Pasta
Being a vegetarian for a meal dedicated to the mastication of plucky yet domesticatedly dumb foul can be tricky. Being a vegetarian in Japan can be tricky. Ergo, being a vegetarian at a Thanksgiving feat in Japan is tricky^2. Thankfully, history gave us pasta, sauces, and veggies to provide possibilities and proteins (mmmmm...living). To start off with, bring a pot of water to boil. Then, add in as much pasta as you would like.
//**editors note: When making food for eight people, assume that everyone will bring enough food for eight people. Unless 56 more people magically appear, please only prepare enough food for four people...or expect to live on left overs. Lots and lots of tasty leftovers.**//
Stir for a couple of minutes, and then add carrot slices. This is not because you rather like boiled carrots, but when going to a party it is important to keep in mind that others apparently enjoy their vegetables mushy. While this mixture boils, dice up two or three I-have-no-idea-what-kind-these-are mushrooms, one small green pepper, and a few more carrot slices. Once the pasta is tender, drain the water and add in as much sauce as is appropriate. Then, add in the diced vegetables, turn off the heat, and mix. Voila, a healthy, tasty pasta.



6) The Not-In-Cups No-Bake Cookies
Are you one who religiously follows the directions for any recipe? Have your friends been trying to help you turn your fondu into fun-do? Then try this delicious recipe on for size.
Step one: Find a delicious looking recipe online for one of your favorite treats, the no-bake cookie. Then, carefully scour the store for the right ingredients. You will find them, but you might be taken aback by the fact that there are two kinds of sugar. This will be unexpected, but don't worry, it won't affect the taste. Get everything home, and then pull out a measuring cup to get everything just right. Stare at the cup until you realize that it's measuring in ml instead of cups. Stare at the recipe that gives instructions in cups. Think briefly about finding a quick converter online, but then dismiss the thought because Japanese cups are smaller anyway. Mix a dash of milk, a bit of butter, a lot of sugar, and some chocolate into a bowl. Put the bowl on the stove, and wait for it to boil.
//**
//I had a picture for this stage, but it got lost in the data transfer. Sadface.
//**
Now, add some peanut butter and a metric ton of oatmeal. If you are using a normal sized Japanese container of peanut butter, this should be about half the container. Mix everything together, then carefully ladle it out into balls. Eat and enjoy.
For even more fun: Wait ten minutes, then realize that you completely forgot to add the vanilla. You can either panic for five minutes, or decide that they're fine either way.